The Adventures of Angry Vagina along with her Dating Application | HuffPost Amusement

Without a doubt a tale of a detailed friend of mine known as Angry Vagina. One intimately disappointed day, she chooses to join a mobile matchmaking application against the woman better wisdom. Dared to participate in by a Penis Custodian pal of hers (technically not bangable because of “nobody’s screwing company”) she is struggling to fight the challenge and so starts herself commonly and blissfully with the opportunities.

Thus we begin the story in the legendary Angry V as she packages the app onto Rose-Goldie the iphone 3gs, inserting her 6 best images including a star headlining image as included below.

Offered small space to articulate her greatness, the woman is next motivated to condense the woman epic biography into various boner-inducing traces and completes the woman profile perfectly. And just like magic, mushroom-head owners prepared for examination straight away show up on the woman feed.

Per dating application guidelines, Angry Vagina must swipe kept if a specimen makes this lady dried out as an item of sandpaper or otherwise disgusts this lady. Instead she must swipe right if she desires to explore brand new shaft at issue.

Below we do have the advantage of watching the woman stream of consciousness as she sifts through influx of moping scarecrows together new iphone.

Would we bang that guy? No.

(Swipes kept)


Would I bang that man? No.

(Swipes left)


Would we bang that man? No.

(Swipes kept)

Would we bang that man? Possibly. Umm.

Remembering the significant fairy tales of her youth, Angry Vagina quickly feels guilty to be therefore shallow and gives a lot more soul to her “swipage” as she continues the woman search for Prince Charming.

Behold! me personally is completely new princess nameth “Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty”. I hath talked.

(Angry V thus reinvents the fairy-tale internet dating narrative, but this time in style of

Rapunzel

. Armed with boner as opposed to sword, Prince slays poverty dragon to be able to buy expensive iphone. The guy now climbs enchanted rope of cyber pubic hair, ascends dating-app tower. At orgasm of tower, upset V shoves him off dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong voice . . .)

Quick guy near tiny puppy. Pretends to be high.

(Swipes remaining)

Bike guy enjoys spandex. Testicle perhaps not large enough. Kindly mount bicycle instead of woman.

(Swipes kept)

Wide range placed in profile. Congratulations! Purchase thyself rubber vagina.

(Swipes kept)

Too-young. Like teenager. Premature spooge likely.

(Swipes left.)

Precisely why very bald constantly?

(Swipes remaining)

“Entrepreneur”. No unemployed guys allowed.

(Swipes kept)

Cat hater?!

(Swipes remaining, punches phone in face, inserts profile pic of one-true-love “Kitteh”.)

(Continuing like hooked.)

Computer software professional pretending become fascinating rockstar. ::Cackles::

(Swipes remaining)

Nice abs. Stay away from butterface during bang sesh? Meh.

(Swipes left)

Too much mustache. Facial forest outcompete outdated progress forest of aggravated Vagina.

(Swipes left)

Gym selfies just? How ‘bout knob pushups.

(Swipes kept)

Oooooh! Someone is hat enthusiast. Ought to be covering bald area.

(Swipes left)

Your home is WHERE? Or perhaps is that in which you park your vehicle . . .

(Swipes left)



Wow you like recreations? Fascinating. Certainly sort. Time for you delete online dating application and get hitched.

(Swipes left)



You love to SEXT? In which is actually middle finger emoji . . .

(Swipes remaining)

Reveals themselves in photo alongside hotter guy. Dumbass.

(Swipes kept)

Claims to end up being committed but is your own trainer.

(Swipes remaining)

Kids? Lady boner deceased.

(Swipes kept)

Listed as “director” on profile. Of exactly what? Angry Vagina’s irritation?

(Swipes kept)

No account details. Hail to 1 photo of acne-prone epidermis. I’d like to go right ahead and put legs open for your needs today.

(Swipes kept)

Proud vegan with picture of alive cucumber. Penis most likely shriveled and depriving for protein. I’ll just take Mr. Cucumber.

(Swipes remaining)

Whaaaat. Today they can be offering myself women. Swiping kept too quickly?

(Swipes left more slowly)

(furious Vagina requires split to get hold of best friend “Nongay partner” for emotional terms via book.)

“Nongay Wife, i’m top the selected individuals (otherwise usually Kitteh) through wasteland like Moses. Looking around to get drinking water or Penis Custodian. I do not know if I will endure. Please send help.”

(Waits for reply and goes on journey.)

Oh no! Swiped right unintentionally! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Prohibited? Fuuuuuck. Hate that unattractive man believes he’s enjoyed. Fuuuuuck.

(New inspiration.)

Left-swipage is slowly destroying heart. Must turn to self-swipage for treating . . .

(Angry Vagina requires impromptu break. Was not ready to come back to knob wasteland anyway.)

(small while later, straight back on telephone application like research animal.)

Trump promoter. Style of pretty. Cannot. Try To Let. Him. Reproduce!

(Swipes kept)

Nipples pointier than my own.

(Swipes remaining)

President of anything? The number of unemployed men are there?

(Swipes remaining)



Yes! Long-hair great. Lady-boner claims hi.

(Swipes correct)

Locks too much time. Homeless man.

(Swipes left)



College student. Poverty dangerous to ladyboner. . . must swipe before too-late . . .

(Swipes kept)

Appears 8 months expecting with Budweiser.

(Swipes remaining)

Cluster try with females! Trying to persuade me personally that they like you.

(Swipes left)

Freelance hot guy. Cannot bang you in parents’ basement.

(Swipes kept)



Quite a few razor-sharp teeth. May possibly have pointy penis. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.

(Swipes left)

Pretty sure each photo in your profile is of different man. Angry Vagina is confused.

(Swipes remaining)

Crazy smiley face. Appears too happy. Most likely serial killer.

(Swipes left)

Hot man great human body. Boring individuality and job. Swipe remaining, furious V, swipe l . . .

(Swipes correct)

Over 40 never ever married. Depressed selfish man. 50-50 if good in sack. Meh.

(Swipes left)

Thanks for sharing top. I am aware everything I want to understand. Bless you.

(Swipes kept)

Oh no! Mobile perishing! Must swipe remaining! Should. Reject. A Lot More. Mushroom-head-

And just like that, Angry Vagina needs to call it quits during the day until a cell phone charger can be located. Simply for now.

Theoretically, the pushed recovery time enable brand-new shaft leads the chance to swipe directly on the woman profile now, indicating their particular delusional hope of banging the lady. A lot of won’t ever make a difference. But once her own selected “right-swipes” return the support, otherwise known as the “mutual match”, the plot thickens.

Persistence, Furious V, Patience.



To-be continued . . .